45 minutes.
I spent 45 minutes on the Wal-Mart floor today (you read that right) waiting for my son's sensory meltdown to subside.
We were there for Pull Ups and Children's Claritin. I would have left our cart in the middle of the aisle and calmly carried him straight out of there kicking and screaming...if we didn't absolutely need those two items. Instead, I cradled my 4-year-old as he shook, kicked, screamed and bawled in my arms. We were in a sensory stalemate, if you will, and we needed to ride it out until it subsided and we could calmly make our next move. "Riding it out," this time, occurred sitting in the middle of the Wal-Mart floor.
All because: I wouldn't buy him a toy.
To onlookers, that's what it most certainly must have seemed like. And boy...did I get cross looks, stares, and eye rolls. It felt like their glares were burning a harsh tattoo of judgement straight across my weary forehead that read: BAD MOM.
I try to explain to people that his meltdowns aren't ever really about "the toy." Not getting the toy is just the thing that sent him over the edge. The build-up started well before we made it to the toy aisle. When we first walked into the store, an employee was pushing a long line of shopping carts inside and they crashed (loudly and unexpectedly) into the wall next to us. TJ had also never been to this store so the surroundings were unfamiliar (he knows his way around Target though people...let's be real). In addition, he was hungry and tired, and the kicker - his mom has been really friggin sick for months now. By the time I told him "no" in response to getting the toy, he was DONE.
This is what SPD looks like, folks. It Iooks like a spoiled little boy who wants a toy and throws a fit if he doesn't get his way. It looks like a whiny, bratty little kid whose mom lets him walk all over him. For the few seconds that passers-by notice a screaming four-year-old in his mom's lap sitting in the middle of an aisle in Wal-Mart, it can look to them like the mom is a big hot mess who doesn't have her $hit together.
What I wish people COULD see is that my little boy is a sweetheart who says the words "I love you" at least 20 times a day. He loves vehicles and cats and turns out he is really good with directions. He uses words like "impressive" and "hoist" and loves to sing "The Tree Farm" radio jingle. He struggles more each day than many kids we know, and is basically just trying desperately to hold his own $hit together.
Thank you...to the few kind strangers who stopped to ask if we were okay, even though they had no clue about our situation and chose not to judge. Most importantly, thank you to the one woman who whispered to me,
You're a wonderful mom...I wish all moms could be like you.
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks and immediately, even though I had been trying to hold them back so TJ wouldn't see them, my tears began to flow.
I realize that he can't control his meltdowns...that sensory overload takes over and he becomes unable to process information in a functional way. I will hug him and validate his feelings and tell him that it's ok to be sad and disappointed. But when I have the time, wherewithal and strength, I will do my best to stick to my boundaries and teach him to be a decent human being even though things are hard for him. It seemed like 3 hours, but I stood my ground and he did not get that toy.
Today's lesson on human decency, despite debilitating dysfunction, brought to you by Sensory Processing Disorder, our messy Wal-Mart meltdown, and a stranger's whispered words.
You are awesome, mama.
ReplyDeleteThanks a million for saying that!
DeleteI loved reading this. My son is 7, and after receiving lots of successful therapy, is able to make it through stores most of the time, be in a normal 1st grade classroom, play soccer, do life . I remember those early days though. From the time he was born up through him starting therapy for SPD at 3 years old, every single trip to the store, and yes, for 1 or 2 necessary items. Every time we entered a vehicle, put on socks (tried), sweatpants (no!), sleeves (ugh!), everything was too much. I didn't know for sure what was wrong with him, but God had been training me to be his mom before we got him at birth and adopted him. I was in my 50's, and my kids were grown. We kept being patient with our little guy, teaching him that he could trust us to be there, and I kept searching our community education resources for help and answers for this brilliant, miserable little boy. Success!!! Our Gabriel makes us laugh, keeps us young, and helps us grow. Hang in there, beautiful mom. He is blessed to have you for his mom, as you are to have him ❤
ReplyDeleteDear Susan, which therapy did you go for?
DeleteThank you so much for your nice message, Susan! It's so reassuring to hear success stories like yours. My TJ is currently in OT, 3x per week, at the STAR Institute for Sensory Processing Disorder here in Colorado. We are so lucky to live so close to such an amazing place!
DeleteYasmine Perez, they started him with Occupational Therapy and Proprioceptive system therapy that involved controlled spinning on a variety of swings. His core was so weak because of that system. He could not bend over without it bothering his head. He could not dress himself at all due to it. Once that system was in balance, he started Physical Therapy also. For OT, I remember learning to brush him several times a day and then doing joint releasing and compression. He was in OT 2 or 3x a week for several months before we got PT. Then he had speech for learning to express frustration more appropriately. After therapy was all complete, I took him to a neuropsycologist for testing because he still had frustration. Well, he is not on the autism spectrum, and they discovered his IQ is at least 130. That explained a lot to me about the frustration he had left. So we currently see a therapist with him, probably for about 12 visits, learning how he thinks, and working on our communication (How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk). He currently is not on any meds, but may require a small dose this next school year.
DeleteMy son is 14 now and starting High School this year, which is a whole new realm of scary for me, but I do remember those days! I was that Mom who would hold him until he calmed down, but not back down and give in either. You are a great Mom and you are doing an amazing job!! It will get easier as he gets older. My son still has his bad days, but his meltdowns are so rare there are times when we can almost forget he has SPD. Stay strong and hang in there, you are a blessing to that wonderful boy and he is to you! Lots of love, Mama
ReplyDeleteCheryl, I so appreciate your words. It's really nice to hear about the older kiddos and how they've done so well despite their challenges. I wish him all the best in high school and beyond!
DeleteThank you so much. I needed this today....
ReplyDeleteYou're so very welcome! I simply needed to write my thoughts down so I could process my emotions...I had no clue that so many people would read this and respond. Hang in there...I hope things turn around for you!
DeleteI wish you and your family the best as you strive to resolve your challenges. Ours will be a better society when people have more patience with situations that create discomfort. And maybe we can be more understanding of them, when they don't. When we chasten others without fully understanding them we further build walls separating us.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Leon! I agree...maybe we can be more understanding of them when they don't. Great food for thought!
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